Saturday, September 22, 2012

Marysol Patton Mother (Elsa Patton) Face

If you’ve ever seen The Real Housewives of Miami, you’ve wondered, as I have, what in the name of deflated flesh balloons has happened to Housewife Marysol Patton‘s mother’s face. Elsa Patton is a psychic in Miami, and a terror to all human Muppets everywhere. She has had so many ill-fated procedures that it’s hard to even know where to begin, except to say that it looks like that someone tried and failed to restore the fresca version of her face, and instead just melted all the flesh-paint until it was warm and bubbly and ran down her face, where it rehardened into the puffy, lumpy mass we see today. Maybe she should have tried what Kyle Richards uses.

Starting to get the lips and the brows involved.

But it wasn’t a painting restoration gone awry that did this to Mama Elsa. It was a real, live, surgeon, who she referred to in the last episode only as, “the man who ruined my face.” Someone who theoretically has a medical degree allowed Elsa Patton to walk into his or her office looking like a normal(ish) person, and to walk out looking like a hot pocket drag queen. I can see that, you can see that — but as fun as it is to speculate wildly on what could have possibly happened to turn her skin into a delicious, bubbly calzone, we here at Crushable thought we’d turn to an actual expert to determine what might have gone on here behind-the-scenes.
Sloping gradually downhill.
We asked Dr. Richard Chaffoo, MD, FACS, FICS (those fancy titles mean he’s a Fellow of the American College of Surgeons, and the International College of Surgeons, and he’s been a working facial cosmetic surgeon for 20 years, so he knows his shit) about his professional opinion of Mama Elsa’s face, and he had this to say:
“It appears as though she had a brow lift, blepharoplasty, facelift, and fillers although she looks overdone and unnatural. Her eyebrows are raised too high in a surprised and artificial appearance.”
Ah yes, a blepharoplasty! I’m sure you know just what that is! (Actually you might, but we didn’t, so we asked — and it’s a cosmetic eyelid surgery. Mmmm, sounds delicious.)
And here’s our lady today.
So there you have it, folks. All your questions are answered. You’re looking at what happens when somebody tries to pull all the skin in your face up toward your ears, and then fills up the pockets of skin with fat from your butt, but does it wrong. Which is pretty much what Dr. Chaffoo said, but a lot smarter because I never went to medical school and I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Much like whatever no-account surgeon did this to Elsa Patton’s face.

1 comment:

  1. Please stop!!enough with the nasty comparisons, you're evil.
    We don't care about that, we feel bad for what happened to her.
    She is, however, very amusing, funny and classsy. Everyone loves her.
    Your comments are very distateful and hurtfull.